Wayback Wednesday: Kris is 18 (Krisis 18)

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and tell your younger self things that would have mattered in your life at that moment? Well, I DO. So I'm resurrecting a five-year-old post and then tell my younger self the things that I should have heard at that time. So here it goes:

Kris is 18 (Krisis 18) 
posted 9/16/10

18 and 23

I’m perfectly legal for more than half the year now, and guess what? I realize that 18 is not my happy year. I look at myself and I see myself flashing forward to 20 or 21 maybe. I know what they say about ‘enjoying the present’ and that ‘youth only comes once’; but hey, by the rate things are going, I’m not content about being perfectly legal but not really getting what I want in life.

Yes, hun. Youth DOES only come once. You should have enjoyed your youth while you were at it. And your 18th year probably wasn't your happiest year, but in the next few years you will lose a loved one (not forever), and then lose another loved one (forever *sniff*), graduate from college (no more allowance), become unemployed for many, many months, lose a dog, lose a cat, face unwanted pregnancy (not yours, dimwit) and then you will realize that YEP your 18th year was probably one of the best years of your life. So cool it, girl. It's perfectly okay to not really get everything you want in life.  

And what is it that I want now?

Oh, don't we always want something?

I want to earn my own money; to look into my wallet and see stash of money that I earned myself. I want not only what money could buy but the freedom that comes with it. To see something in the mall and be able to buy it like, right there and then. I want to eat whenever I want to eat and not worry that I won’t have anything left so that I could go home. I want to feel the satisfaction of getting my hands into a brand new book. Really, it’s not that my guardians don’t provide for me, but I always have this guilt feeling whenever I ask money from them. Now that my sisters are also working, I could sometimes ask them to buy things for me, but hey, I wasn’t really raised to be abusive. I restrain myself from asking too much. Like what I said, I want the liberty of getting something because I bought it. Not because someone lent me some moolah; not because someone is on a generous mood.

Oh you will see stash of money in your wallet, all right, but you'll also see lots of them fly away. Yes, there's a certain freedom that comes from earning your own money, but it also comes with a HUGE responsibility. Hun, you can't just buy anything you see in the mall; you'll end up broke (and trust me, being literally broke SUCKS). Also, you DO NOT want to eat whenever you want to eat, look what that has done to you in the past year; dieting is HARD (on the plus side, though, detox drinks are yum). AND TRUST ME, getting your hands on a brand new book is quite easy when you have your own job but finding the time to read it is quite hard. And lastly, don't you worry about "asking too much"; when you're older and kinder (ha!), you will start worrying about "giving too much". 

And it’s not that I can’t work part-time. I know some people my age who work in fast food chains, direct-selling businesses, etc. But another thing about me is that I want to earn money in what I love doing. And what is it? The next paragraph would explain that.

I’m currently having nightmares about my quote-unquote, CREATIVE ENERGY not being properly addressed. Haha. Do I sound airy? I sound a bit airy even to myself, that’s why it took so long for me to take this out into the world.

Yep, you sound airy. STAHP. For the love of zeus, please STOP. 

The thing is I just don’t know what I’m really good at. I have had some experience in dancing; I’ve taken my acting chops by the ears and used it for the Church; lately, I’ve sung for two audiences – Reu and the shower – and guess what, the former said that I’m kind of good at it and well the shower can’t make bola (so conyo, ugh) so I’d take its silence as a yes too; when I get some inspiration, I can write short stories that kind of make sense to some people; and when I feel kiddy, I draw.

I have no words. I'll just give you a /facepalm here. You deserve the biggest /facepalm ever.

I know many people who excel in their craft and although they may not be that good in some other aspects, they’re respected and adored in what they do best. I envy people like that. They are able to express themselves and they are sure of themselves. Unlike me. Sooooo. Unlike. Me. Ugh.

The problem with insecurity, darling, is that it never truly goes away. So brace yourself because your insecurities will only grow bigger as the years pass but you will learn to embrace your flaws and turn those insecurities into something brilliant and useful. Nah. Just kidding. You still won't have it figured out in five years but you will discover that life doesn't end there. There's a lot more to life than figuring out what you want and who you want to be. Sometimes, just BEING is enough. Or not. Life's a roller coaster, my friend. There's gotta be a lot of whoops and whoahs. And that's what makes it so exciting. Stop thinking so far ahead and enjoy the moment.

I need crisis management.

Don't we, always?